boarding school syndrome (BSS)
The hidden developmental trauma of privilege leading to abandonment, broken attachments and
emotional neglect.
*if you are an ex-boarder, some of the content about the experience of boarding school from the child’s perspective may bring up reminders or be triggering. If you choose to read on, please check-in with how you are and take care of yourself whilst reading.
what is boarding school syndrome?
With the JK Rowling books depicting the exciting adventures Harry and his friends lead at Hogwarts, it is easy to romanticise about the reality of being sent away from home and all that is familiar to you at a young age.
A child is hard wired to stay close to their caregiver. An attachment and bond is formed from before birth. We learn from our caregiver, seek comfort, protection and safety from them.
When a child is sent away from home, this attachment is broken. The result of this is the child must rapidly alter to their new reality, devoid of familiar people, surroundings or those that are emotionally available to you for connection, love and often safety.
The unconscious traits and behaviours a child takes on to survive this experience result in what has been described as Boarding School Syndrome.
BSS is not a medical category and not all ex-boarders can be pathologised as having Boarding School Syndrome. But as noted by Joy Shaverien and Nick Duffel from 1990, many ex-boarders do have some hallmarks to a greater or lesser degree. Likewise, the detrimental impact can affect each person as an adult to a greater or lesser degree.
how do you recognise it?
This experience changes fundamental areas in a boarders way of being as well as how they view the world. The three main areas this impacts are:
Connection to deeper sense of Self and agency
Connection to your own feelings, emotions and feelings and emotions of others
Connection within relationships.
this may show up as:
Disregard for own suffering- stoical and struggle to show vulnerability
Difficulty trusting and letting people in on a deeper level -guarded and suspicious of others or their intentions
Struggle to ask for help
Hyper independent and self sufficient
Difficulty accepting and receiving support
Emotionally stilted or a difficulty handling emotions
Seek perfection and high standards of self and others
High achiever and fear failure, or being perceived as failing
History of depression or anxiety
A deep sense of being alone and not belonging
Have lost touch with your playfulness and inner child
Like to keep busy and struggle to switch off or relax
Out of touch with your own needs
Intimate relationships can be turbulent and blow hot and cold.
Struggle with long term relationships and commitment
Like your own space and privacy
Fear abandonment
Sensitive to criticism or judgement
Fear of ‘not doing something wrong’
Have vices in order to cope
Avoid things rather than have conflict or need to speak out
It is not unusual for many boarding school survivors to not want to reach out and seek support
Part of the boarding school experience is to become hyper-independent, self reliant and super capable to handle life on your own.
The result is that we tend to go through much of life feeling disconnected and shut down from those around us and even our own emotions, needs and sense of Self.
The strategies left from attending boarding school at a young age can be start to crumble at certain points in an ex-boarders life.
These could be due to a high stress experience such as a job loss, divorce or loss of a parent. Events such as becoming a parent can also be a common trigger. Your child reaching the age you were when you were sent away or when confronted with a teenager when you yourself were not ever parented at that age can create an awakening and realisation in you.
is being sent to boarding school always harmful?
The impact will vary depending on the age of the child and also the environment the child is leaving behind. But typically all children under the age of 15 years old will find it a challenge.
An example from the child’s perspective of arriving at boarding school for the first time is below. It is not until the child is older and able to find the words to articulate what they experience and feel that some of these things may surface. This is why many children don’t speak up in a clear way how the are feeling. They don’t have the linguistic or cognitive skills of an adult.
On the first day of being left, a child finds them self alone and suddenly being expected to stand on their own two feet. This is often developmentally for the child premature.
All your worldly possessions are fitted in to a trunk and you leave behind all that is familiar to you. Your new bedroom is shared with strangers. You are assigned a space with no privacy or boundaries which is yours for that term.
Your schedule is dictated to you with little movement or flexibility to have autonomy.
You are told what you eat and when to eat it. Again with little choice or options.
Much of the above can be likened to being institutionalised.
As you gradually get conditioned to your new ‘life’, in an emotional vacuum with no touch or comfort from those that care for you… you are shipped back to your original life for a couple of weeks.
But nothing is ever the same again. You remain in this cycle until you are allowed to leave.
When you do leave, much of what happened may get swept under the carpet as you focus on the future. Until you reach a point in your life that forces you to look inward. The repressed feelings can start to surface. These may show up as anger or resentment or a harsh outer critic being fuelled by the hurt, pain and abandonment that was felt as a child.